Good Friday was indeed good, as my husband said on his facebook status. We got glorious results from our u/s at Duke before lunch, enjoyed MadHatters and some shopping afternoon, and then shared in the Good Friday service at church that night.
I usually don’t post my journal thoughts, but I haven’t sobbed in a service in a long time (ok, blame some of it on pregnancy hormones). So, here goes…
My husband is the worship pastor, so when he got done he immediately sat down on a pew – complete opposite side of the sanctuary from me. (Don’t worry, nothing was wrong between us, he had his reasons and he later explained them, and moved during the transition to the Lord’s Supper which was a blessing to me).
However, as soon as E sat down over there and I knew he wasn’t coming over to me, I just hung my head and started sobbing. I had never felt so alone in my life – really. I don’t know why the loneliness hit me so hard right then. Maybe its the been the difficult transition of churches and relationships. Maybe it was just cause I wanted him to sit beside me. But, I’ve been by myself mean times before, but there was a wall of loneliness I’d never felt before, right at that moment.
Our pastor preached on Psalm 22 that night and walked us through the text. This is why I love expository preachers and journaling Bibles. Here is Psalm 22:1-3:
“My God, my God why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.”
Here is what I wrote in my journal next to these verses:
“I will always be rejected and forgotten. I can’t always count on anyone. There will be extreme times of loneliness. There’s only one who will never leave me. E will leave me, Baby Campbell will leave me, family will leave. Lord, thank you for that clear reminder that Christ has indeed been forgotten. He had been left on the cross and rejected by all friends and even His Father. Let no other have dearer place to me – God is so near to me. Nearer than anyone else will ever be. Like Hebrews says, Jesus knows my struggles.”
Having that reminder that Jesus knew our pain and our struggles (Heb 4:14-16) helped that night come alive in teaching for me. I sobbed the rest of that service. When E came over to sit by me, I sobbed more – it almost made it worse, though I was very glad he was by my side. A friend brought me some tissue, that was sweet, and I needed it. Lord’s Supper was hard to even look up to take the elements and harder to swallow the bread and juice. As we sang The Power of the Cross I sobbed through that and then that seemed to finally bring the crying to an end.
I left the service, got ready for bed, exhausted, both physically and spiritually. I didn’t tell E that night why I had been crying, but then when I told him I was even able to do so without crying (I don’t think I had any tears left).
Needless to say: it was indeed a Good Friday.
I can certainly relate to the feelings of loneliness in moving churches and struggling to feel connected, especially in a church as large as FBC Durham. I’m glad the Lord reached out to you in your loneliness. I thought the Sunday service was so very encouraging as well.
I saw you at church on Sunday and wanted to come by to say “Hi- I read your blog, and I was praying for your ultrasound.” However- I have a one year old who wanted me to chase her as she toddled away from me in the opposite direction from you. But I was praying for you and am glad to hear that everything was okay. Hopefully Debby will toddle your way this Sunday so I can say hi instead of just being a blog lurker. 🙂
That would be great – I’d love to meet you – or even go get coffee sometime or have a park date so Debby can play!
We’d love to have coffee or meet at the park. I’m home during the day so our schedule is flexible. Just send us an email and we could try to schedule something.
Your post made me chuckle at our prego hormones. I think they do make things more heightened. For example, I can’t watch half the movies I used to due to them. But, I was really encouraged by your journal thoughts. It is sweet to hear and be reminded that no one can ever take His place by our side. He can relate and walk with us through it all. BTW, I also cried through the last half of the service. 🙂