Guess you first have to define what you mean by all. 

This question was raised in my mind earlier this week when many FB folks were saying just dont’ try to aim to high or accomplish too much once baby is born – but I refuse to go quietly!  So, I began thinking.  Thinking mind you – not praying.  So, after I write my list I will need to pray about it and see if there is any clarity that God would make to it, but I’m excited about the possibilities.

Q: Can a wife and mother have it ALL?

A: Yes!

So, what is your all?

Here is mine: I want to put my relationship with God first, then my husband, then my son, then myself, then my home, then my ministry, etc (fun, hobbies)  So…how does that happen?

Some people want it all and think they can have a full time job outside of the home, be the amazing wife and mom, cook a gourmet meal, and keep a Pottery Barn/Southern Living home.  There are only so many hours in the day.  But, then, how do I intend to accomplish my all?  Two words: discipline and priority.

Let me define what I want to accomplish in those listed above and give some biblical reasons for discipline and priority.

God: having a quiet time every day, prayer journaling for my husband and son, reading

Husband: E has to be my top earthly relationship.  If not, everything else in the list falls apart.  That means spending time with him and making him a priority in my day. 

Son: I’m a little overwhelmed by this one as I start out – but God has created me to do this.  I will be baby’s main life support for the first few months.  So here goes something I know nothing about.

Me: Some people would consider this selfish – but I think if you don’t take care of yourself, you really aren’t that good to anyone else.  That means getting away a maybe a few hours a week for quiet time (without baby and husband) just to breathe.  That means exercising, showering, grooming yourself, etc.

Home: Ask E, my home is not on the top priority list right now, especially being 9+ months pregnant.  I shipped out all of this shirts to the cleaners because standing to iron them wore me out.  I cook a few times a week and we eat out more than I care to right now.  But, this is the one that will take the most discipline for me: cleaning, grocery shopping, setting up a new home (an apt for a few months), but I look forward to it!

Ministry: Writing, Teaching, discipling other women – that’s what I believe the ministry is that God has called me to.

Etc:  My etc is photography and traveling.  I love to do both – and I love to do both with my husband.  What a joy to journey this life together and enjoy multitasking with the one I love the most! 

So now, how do I accomplish all of that:

Discipline: So, maybe I can’t sleep as long or play Angry Birds until I win a round but something things are more important.  1 Corinthians 9:27 is a great verse for this.  In no way do I want to hinder the Gospel – and I think we as women can do that if we live our lives haphazardly or without any discipline.  This thought is sobering.

Priorities: You know what this means: You must learn to say NO!  What this means for me is multitasking and planning.  I need to actually stick with a schedule when I make it and multitask.  If I want to build a relationship with a woman in the church – then why don’t we do something together instead of just sitting there talking (like going on a walk, a photo shoot, learning to cook a meal together, etc).  That means getting up early.  This morning I was wide awake at 530a.  God is preparing my body for having a baby on his time schedule I assume! 🙂  What did I do: ate something (because I hungry) and then grabbed the ipad, then got back in bed.  What should I have done: resigned myself to the fact that I woke up early, ate something, had a QT, made my schedule for the day, cleaned some, showered, made bfast for the hubs, etc.  I could have been so much more productive.

One other thing about priorities and schedules that I learned from Carolyn Mahaney – is that if there is something you really want or feel like you need to do and life maybe relaly busy: ask your husband.  His role is to protect and love you – this means helping you say no sometimes.  And listen to him ladies!  If you are single: see if there is an accountability partner/couple that you can ask for insight into your schedule and help you maintain one that is doable.

Here is my word of caution for myself and you as my friends: GRACE.  My husband insisted that I send the dress shirts to thc cleaners.  I said no three times and finally caved.  Eating out is an option if I am pain to stand in the kitchen for more than 30 minutes.  There will be more mornings when my body is exhausted and I need to crawl back in bed.  Know that the Lord is  gracious.  He is good to those who call on Him and those who rest in Him.

Photo courtesy of Erica Soley Cooper Photography – journeying with my hubs!

How many books out there on improving your marriage, making your marriage work, understanding your spouse, etc?  Innumerable right?  I agree.  Not that I’m an expert or anything, but IMHO, this one is the best that I’ve read.  And I’ve read a lot.

Gary and Betsy Ricucci have been married around 30 years and have written an authentically transparent book (Crossway, 2006) to show you how to apply grace to your marriage in every area (from conflict to romance to sex) and how to make it work at every stage. 

How did we use this book?  E and I love going on road trips.  Even before we were married we would go on day road trips together and just enjoy the conversation, adventuring to new places, and trying out the camera.  Then we took our honeymoon – and we started reading this book on the 2500+ mile road trip.  It started impacting our marriage then.  This past weekend, as we ventured through VA for a belated birthday trip, we finished the last two chapters: romance and sex.

This book is written from both Gary and Betsy’s point of view which makes it a great couples book.  It is conversational and made me laugh and cry many times.  It was usually my job to read it aloud as E does most of the driving for us (what a blessing).  At the end of each chapter there are 5-10 questions that you can use to highlight some discussion starters.  We didn’t have much trouble finding topics that we needed to discuss from the chapter, but these questions were helpful and might be helpful for the less inquisitive/conversational type. 

This book is based on grace: that is what I love.  It is sound in its theology, but it is more practical than theological.  I like both.  There are fabulous books out there on marriage that give a theological firm foundation for it which are needed.  But, at every stage of marriage you need practical advice.  Gary and Betsy would be ones that I would want to have a wknd retreat with…to learn from their wisdom.

“We have to be not only perfectly willing to acknowledge we may be wrong but eager to have it lovingly pointed out to us when we are.” (pg 38).  I am growing in this area. Even yesterday I was sure a song was written by Margaret Becker and it was indeed written by Margaret Clarkson.  My husband lovingly looked at me with a confused look and I was adament…but he was right.  He didn’t gloat or boast or put me down because I was wrong.  I apologized and we laughed about it.

“What goes on inside her mind and heart?  What are her fears?  Her dreams?” (pg 37)  Husbands, it is important for you to learn this about your wives.  Please. 

“It is imperative that your spouse know that no other person or image enters your mind when romantic feelings flood your heart.” (pg 118)  This even goes to thinking about television shows or movies that you’ve seen.  Focus on your spouse.  To paraphrase Mark Driscoll: your spouse is your definition of _____(beauty, intelligence, handsomeness, sexy, etc).

“True peace is far more than the absence of conflict.” (pg 106) 

Use this book in quiet times together, a weekend retreat away to work on your marriage, date night each week (reach a chapter a week and it will take two months).  What a great gift to Christian couples.

If you are wondering what my other fave book is for marriage: When Sinners Say I Do.  My two fave for wives: Feminine Appeal and Helper by Design.

Photography by the talented Erica Soley Cooper in Old Salem, NC August 2011

I love friends who make me run hard after Christ.  One of those said friends is Janel, who is about to get married!!!  A few years ago I went to visit her in cold and blustery Chicago.  We watched a part of the Esther DVD from Beth Moore.   Through watching that, reading the end of Deuteronomy and the beginning of Joshua, and talking with a friend who I can be completely real with…two truths about my life came out.
I Fear.
I Fear A LOT!

Beth Moore pretty much said this. If ________, then ___________. Let me fill it in. If I eat too much, then I will gain weight. If I gain weight, then I won’t be cool anymore. If I am not cool anymore, than I will be lonely.  If I sin too much, then I will disappoint my husband.  If my son doesn’t do __________, then others will think I’m a horrible mom.  You get my drift. She said basically your logic had to be
“If __________, then GOD. It always had to be God in that second blank. If not, then something is amiss.
And that tied into something I heard recently – whatever you fear – that is your god. So, let me do some sentences for you….
I fear getting the dream job, because I fear failing at it (or not being OUTSTANDING at it.
(god = success)
I fear gaining weight, because I won’t be a role model to other girls and I won’t be attractive or be successful in ministry. (god = self image, pride)
I fear rejection by friends, because then that will mean something is wrong with me because they don’t like to be around me anymore. (god = friendships)
I fear never getting married, because someone won’t love me enough, and like me enough, to commit the rest of his life to me. (god = marriage, relationships).
I fear failure, because I have to be good at what I do (god = success).
I fear people getting to know me, because what if they just like me at a distance, then once they get to know me, they don’t like me anymore (god = people, popularity).

Beth said something else. Sometimes we fear not getting married because we don’t want to be alone. But, then we fear marriage because what if we get it and its not as great as we always dreamed or we screw it up somehow? I fear not getting that dream job, then I fear getting it because what if I am not good at it and people don’t like what I do?

Do you hear these statements? Do you see what brought me to tears this weekend?
I trust in other things besides the God of the Universe!
Here are some verses (it is so often used in Scripture):
Numbers 14 – “The Lord is with you, do not fear.”
Dt. 31 – “The Lord will be with you and won’t forsake you, do not fear.”
Ps 118 -“The Lord is on my side, therefore I will not fear.”
Jere 42 – “Do not fear them, declares the Lord, for I am with you.”
Joel 2 – “Fear not, but rejoice and be glad, for the Lord has done great things.”
Matt 10 – “Do not fear those who can kill the body, but cannot kill the soul.”
Heb 13: “The Lord is my helper, I will not fear, for what can man do to me?”

Basically, in my reading….If I trust and obey, if I obey the greatest commandment, then I will not fear. If I am fearing, then I am not obeying. I need to obey.

What do you fear?

Picture taken July 2012 by my sweet husband.  Location: St. Augustine Lighthouse

One of the first fashion rules we learn as women as to not let your undergarments show.  I remember standing in front of my mom or dad when I was would finish getting dressed and ask them: is my slip showing?  Some of the “rules” for dressing modestly is not to let your bra strap show, have no seen panty line, and make sure when you raise your arms that your stomach (or maybe that belly button ring) doesn’t show.  Same goes for guys: no girl in their right mind would want to see your butt crack (even if you were fixing their dishwasher) and we don’t want to see your boxers.  That’s why they make belts.  Now they make really cool fashion tape that allows women to get away with wearing shirts that are too low cut and they shouldn’t be wearing anyway – but hey, if you have fashion tape, doesn’t that make it ok?

Think along these lines for letting our sin show?  We are so careful to act holy around other people.  When a circumstance brings out our less-than-best Christian behavior, why are we sorry?  Are we sorry that someone found out that we weren’t perfect or that we sinned? 

Yesterday as my husband and I were talking, I tried to blame my egotistical attitude on everything but what it was: a non-gentle and quiet spirit.  When I awoke this morning, that was the first thing that came to my mind, and I didn’t want to face him.  Being married to someone doesn’t allow much time for you to hide your sin.  So, I stayed up in the master while he had his quiet time on the couch, I didn’t talk to him much, because I was so sorry that he had again seen a non-beautiful side of me.  Someone once told me years ago that gentle and quiet was simply not me, I wasn’t that, and wouldn’t be that.  Moments when pride and control come out in me are times when I believe that.

Then today, my sweet husband, as he usually does, reminded me that grace is given.  Grace upon grace, He gives more grace.  I need much more grace than my husband does it so seems in our marriage.  I actually asked him yesterday if he could mess up more so that I wouldn’t seem so bad.  I know the poor theology/sanctification thought there.  And I said it with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. 

Obadiah 1:3

The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock,

in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, “Who will bring me down to the ground?”

I had to wonder though: was I more upset that he saw an ugly side of me or was I more upset that I had sinned against him and a holy God.  God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) is the only person who doesn’t need grace given.  He is the dispenser of grace – much needed grace.

So, my question: when others see your sin: does pride well up in you because someone saw that you aren’t perfect, or are you grieved by the presence of indwelling sin in your life?  Ask forgiveness (for both the sin and the pride), repent, receive grace, and move on.  Don’t live in the failure of that past sin. 

Registration lines.  Lanyards.  Nametags.  Breakout Session choices.  Long bathroom lines.  Does any of this sound familiar?  If you have attended any conference these should be in your vocabulary.  I’ve been to one this Spring, worked one this summer, and spoken at many over the last 15 years.  Just recently I had a conversation with a friend about how she went to a conference and was ready for God to work (and He did!).  Since then I’ve been thinking about how I can encourage women to prepare for attending conferences.

This list actually is somewhat in order and I hope it encourages you to think through your life, priorities, and needs before you attend a conference (even if its just a night at your church).

1.  Prepare.  If you are anything like me your mind goes a million miles an hour.  When you are trying to get away or do something your mind is constantly on things at the house.  It is hard to still your mind to be able to listen.  Even at the recent conference I volunteered at (TGCW12), my mind was racing in a million different directions because of the friends around me, what was going on in my personal life, traveling in a car while pregnant, and of course hormones.  This is what I mean by preparing to attend a conference:  1.  If you have children, set up reliable childcare for them.  Maybe its your husband, or a neighbor, but be confident of their ability to handle situations on their own (so they won’t call you every 5 minutes during the conference).  If you are the main provider of meals (cooking) in your home, prepare some meals that your family can eat while you are gone.  Finish the laundry and do other household chores so your mind won’t be thinking of all you  have to do when you return.  This last one is going to sound a bit odd, and maybe its just me, but I like this one.  Prepare your wardrobe.  I often feel that (especially now that I don’t work) I only get a to see people out a few days a week.  yes, you should dress well for your husband, that is not what I’m saying, but have fun with your wardrobe at conferences.  You want to be comfortable so you won’t stop breathing during a main session because your jeans are too tight, but look cute.  Women tend to function better with other women when they are dressed cutely.  I’m not telling you to dress to impress – just dress femininely and in step with the conference.  Think through what jewelry you will wear with each outfit, shoes, accessories.  If you can (and packing is an issue) maybe try to find outfits that go with the same pair of shoes so you don’t have to pack 14 pair!  This preparation will help with packing and you’ll feel cute. 

2.  Study.  Most conferences will give you the main session topics (even specific Biblical passages that are being shared) or at least the conference theme.  As soon as you sign up for the conference study that topic.  Look at the subject headings and ask God to prepare your heart to fully hear what He wants you to hear.  As you choose your breakout sessions, don’t just pick them based on the personality leading it, but on what might be most important to your spiritual growth for that conference.  Open your Bible, get a journal specifically for that conference, and study, expecting God to show up in your study times and show you what He wants you to take into the conference. 

3.  Pray.  You might say I have this one in the wrong order, but praying specifically for the conference will come in handy (and yes, we should always pray without ceasing).  Here are some things you can be praying for:  1.  The speaker.  If you personally know the speaker, ask her/him what you can be specifically praying for for them while they speak or prepare.  2.  The logistics.  As someone who knows what it takes to plan and impliment a conference, so many things can go wrong when you want them to go right.  Those mishaps can be a distraction that Satan can use to “stop” God’s work.  Pray that everything goes smooth (and if you are part of the preparation team – work hard so things go as smooth as possible as long as it depends on you).  3.  Other attendees.  Maybe you are attending the conference with a group of friends or know of specific sitations in others’ lives that God needs to work in during this conference.  Pray for those friends. Finally, pray for yourself.  Pray that God will give you ears to hear exactly what you need to hear, that you will block out the distractions of the world, and that you will be open to the work of the Spirit in your life.