13 Nov 2010

Tedd Tripp Live: Parenting Teenagers

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Ah, the joy. I don’t know which was worse for my parents: parenting me when I was little or parenting me when I was a teenager. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to be a parent, but I hope I apply some of these truths now.

Session 3 – Teenagers
Who are teenagers are: insecure, vulnerable, unstable, apprehensive, tend to resist authority.
Common mistakes parents of teens make: spy, disengage, authoritarian vs influence, reckless words, majoring on minors. Do I want to be a person of influence in my teenagers life or do I want to be just seen as an authority figure. There is a difference. Reckless words wound like a sword… Words can be so destructive. The tongue of the wise brings healing.

Goals of teenagers: internalize the gospel, You are parents want your teenagers to embrace God’s truth as their own living faith. They are actually believing, living, acting on the beliefs of the gospel. Even if you walked away from the faith, they would continue to live on the Word of God. Use Scriptures in the life of your teenagers. God’s Word is invaluable, sufficient, God-breathed. The Spirit of God works through the Word of God in the teenager’s heart. Bring objective truth of the Scripture to your parenting of teenagers. God wrote those words. If your kids have a problem with it – they have a problem with God, not with you. You want to shepherd and nurturing your teens interaction with the truth of the Word of God. There is wisdom and vitality in the words of God.
Who is wise among you? James 3. Let them see it by your actions.

There will be periods of doubt in your teenagers. They will doubt. They will wrestle with issues of the faith. Do I believe this because I believe it or that I’ve always been taught this by my parents? They need to internalize their faith. They need to make the transference. You do not need to be surprised by this doubt, but work with your child through this, pray with your teenagers through this. Engage with them, interact with them, study, pursue them,
Ultimately, you want to develop relationships that leads to mutuality of adults under God. There is a difference how you will relate to your teenager once he is an adult. Proverbs 1:
1. The Fear of God. Show the greatness and excellence of God. Proverbs 1.7. He is more than our friend. He is God. We emphasize the familiarity of God and deemphasize his God-ness.
2. Do not forsake your parents teaching. Remind them that no one loves them as you do. Proverbs 1:8-9, Deut 6:4-9. Corrective disciplines are ways of life. Don’t see teenage rebellion is inevitable. Plead with your kids to not walk away. It is far too frequent, but not inevitable. The importance of maintaining this relationship is crucial. Parents and adults should not irrelevant in your youth ministry, churches, or your teenager’s relationships. Give your kids permission to tell you when you have hurt them. Be open with them. BE mindful of the gospel with them.
3. Disassociation from the wicked. The attraction of association with the wicked is camaraderie with a sense of belonging. Make home a great place to belong. Proverbs 1:10-19. Unless you are living in a cocoon some place, this will happen. There will be influences who are pulling on your kids heart – to lure them away from the gospel of God. Sin is so pretty. We need to help our children know how to pull away from those situations. Why would our kids be drawn to sin? US. Us is a key point of Prov 1. (I think of a recent Criminal Minds episode here). Attraction of belonging. We are dealing with desperate, sensitive, unstable teenagers. Any place they belong will be great. Make sure they belong and are welcome at home. You must engage them. They are looking to belong. Welcome their friends. Talk with their friends. Open your home. You’ll be amazed at how simple it is to engage teenagers. They crave belonging. It matters more than your carpet and your china. They will spill cokes and they will break your dishes. Which is more important? Your child’s heart or your dinnerware? It’s just stuff!

13 Nov 2010

Tedd Tripp Live: Parenting During the Elementary Years

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Tripp broke up his seminars this morning into ages. He started out the Elementary age by answering some question about spanking and discipline. That is why this one is much shorter than the last:

Heart Directed Behavior: Session 2
What are kids say and do flows from the heart. Proverbs 4:23. Behavior can never be understood in isolation from the heart.
Overflow:
Matthew 15:17-20
Luke 6:43-45
Mark 7:17-23
Leads to behavior: (say and do)
Kids learn how to manipulate your systems. We are not in the task of manipulating our children. This is not behaviorism. This is heart-directed, Gospel centered obedience. Its not about rewards-based obedience.
There are so many things we can do as parents to manipulate our child’s behavior. But fighting over toys doesn’t just come along. It comes out of the heart. Fighting over toys or arguing is based out of a love for self, a heart bent toward sin. We can’t just address the behavior, we have to address the heart. If we are successful in getting the behavior we want without ever addressing the heart, we are showing them that they can get along in life without ever addressing their need for the Gospel.

If we never challenge the love of self, but just manipulate the behavior (sharing the toys). This is not biblical change, it is what Jesus has already condemned the behavior of the Pharisees (dead men, white washed tombs, dirty cups). Blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup, than you can take care of the outside. When the heart is full of love for others, than sharing won’t be a problem. It is not that we never correct behavior, but we want to get a bigger vision. We haven’t “won” when we get the behavior changed. We need to address the self-preservation, self-love, self-motivation.

Whenever I am manipulating behavior, I am hypocritically distancing myself from their behavior. “I can’t believe you are so selfish.” There is hypocrisy in this statement. We are all selfish. We tend to draw attention to our good works, and self-sacrifice. Our hearts are not pure. We are also full of self-motivation. We want others to see our good works to praise us. The perverseness of the human heart underscores our actions. Ungodly attitudes of the heart: revenge, fear of man, pride, love of self, self-preservation, fear, envy, hatred, anger, approval, anxiety and fear, covetousness, rebellion. These are godly attitudes and heart behavior that we want to instill and grow in our kids: fear of God, humility, fear of others, generosity, love, peacemaking, God’s approval, grace, submission, perfect love, good of others.

How do we get our kids to start thinking about heart attitudes vs their behavior. You can’t do this with a two year old, but you can do it with an older child. We need to pray for the change of heart in our children. This is not just a salvation event. Christ has given us all things – the whole work of grace. From before the world began to the consummation of all things. There is grace in Christ. Always be taking your child to this place of grace.
Our hope is only found in Christ. We must show this to our kids. This doesn’t always mean telling them to go write Bible verses. Writing Bible verses is good and instructive, but not if you don’t address the behavior of the heart. (Personal note: I learned this well at LCS. I had to write Scripture out many times, I don’t remember the Scripture, but I remember being told to write the verses.). It is not about the writing exercise, it is about moving the child in the direction of the gospel. We need to set grace at work in our child’s heart. Grace is at work in our hearts. We aren’t above the need for grace in our lives. Every opportunity for correction is an opportunity to talk about grace and Jesus’ work on the cross and its ability to change a sinner’s heart.

13 Nov 2010

Tedd Tripp Live: Parenting During Early Childhood

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Tedd Tripp was at Sov Grace Apex this morning. First, a note about Sovereign Grace Churches. There is something about them. The people are very gracious when you walk in, very welcoming, the prayers are very grace centered – not big long drawn out theological prayers. Its very nice. I have been to this church before when it was a newer church, went to one of their small groups. A friend of mine goes there and really loves it. God has allowed it to grow over the years. Excited. Love SG churches!

Tedd Tripp
Shepherding a Child’s Heart
Sovereign Grace, Apex, North Carolina
11.13.10
(As a side note: I was told by a friend attending the conference that this truth is so good to hear, but much harder to apply when there are diapers that need changing and kids pulling at your skirt or throwing food at the dinner table. There is grace not only for your kids – there is also grace for you. None of us are perfect parents. Live in grace, dear friends. God’s grace is sufficient, even for your parenting.)

“Living Joyfully Under Authority” – Early Childhood
There is a process of development within your child. They are developing physically, socially, intellectually, and spiritually.
He is learning how to work with the people in his world, how to be cute, coy, demanding, manipulative, how to interect with the different parents he has. High fives dad, rubs noses with moms.
They are learning how the world works. Child proof locks don’t always work. They are acquiring language.
They are also developing spiritually. They are creatures of God, a God who is holy, He has given His Son for me. He is also learning to bow before idols. There is probably not another period in life where he is developing so radically. Tremendous development in the first five years. There is incredible potential here, tremendous potential, designed for glory.

How do you focus? There is a single overarching thought: sturdy enough to meet the needs of this child. The primary objective is teaching the child to live under authority. God has made the world designed with authority structures. It is foundational for human beings. In the home, workplace, the state, the govt, the church. It is liberating for a human being to learn this.
Ephesians 6:1-3
The boundary of the blessing circle (which kids are to live) is to honor and obey. Two blessings are go well and long life. You want this for your child. What does God’s word say, and what does this mean for you? You are to obey it.

Children are in direct command here. This isn’t even to parents to instruct their children. The Apostle Paul is talking to children. Most children though aren’t going to pick up the Bible on their own. Parents: it is your job to train up your children.

Teaching your child this verse is a training process with your children. You are constantly bringing them this truth of authority, blessing, and obedience. That is how training takes place. You are refreshing them with this truth.

Presentation is incredibly important. We want to be winsome in how we present this truth to our children. “My roof, my table, you must obey me.” If you do it this way, you are planting seeds of rebellion. This presents a head to head conflict. We have invited rebellion. We need to present this as God-centered not man-centered. He has made all things for His glory. He has told us how to live for our good and His glory. You can trust God to work through Mom and Dad. It is rooted in God’s authority.
A lot of young people have a misunderstanding of authority. We don’t see it has beneficial, we see it as destructive and annoying. Parents try to avoid being authoritative. They try to bribe, plead, and make their children obey. Parents themselves are uncomfortable with authority in their own lives. Parents give away their authority millions of times. Cereal choices. Sporting choices. Piano lessons. 5 year olds don’t think that oatmeal and octave scales are good for them. They need to know gracious ways to respond to wisdom. This is where parenting comes in. Authority. Under the age of 5, you need to teach them they are under authority, not that they are independent decision makers.
Gracious authority is a blessing to them. Those children lack wisdom, maturity, and life experience. It is a blessing to live under this authority.

Obey = Submission to God’s authority that causes a child to do what he is told by the parents immediately, without excuse, without complaint, and without question. There doesn’t need to be any discussion or pleading. There doesn’t need to be any screaming. There doesn’t need to be any counting, threatening, or raised blood pressures. You train them to obey, to submit to authority. Teach them to submit to God’s authority.

Honor = submission to God’s authority that causes a child to speak to his parents with respect for their role as God’s agent of nurture, direction and discipline. Kids do not need to speak to their parents as though they were peers. Parents are set up as authoritative figures. Children cannot give their parents orders.

Go Well = The spiritual blessings that come to a child as he lives under God’s authority: along with the natural blessings that come as the adults in his world recognized that he is obedient and trustworthy. Spiritually and practically.

Long Life = the blessings of prosperity and protection, richness and fullness of life that God provides for the child that lives under His structures of authority.

What God has done in this passage is marvelous. He has drawn a circle of blessing. You want these for your kids, kids want them for themselves. Teach your kids the Importance of living inside the circle. Inside there is peace and blessing. Outside the circle is danger.

Discipline: a rescue mission aimed at returning the child to the circle of blessing. The function of discipline is not punitive, but corrective. Its goal is positive, not negative. We aren’t to discipline out of revenge, or hatred, or anger, or punitive. It is restorative, it is loving.
Hebrews 12.5 – my sons, don’t despise the Lord’s correction, He disciplines those whom He loves. God brings us the reproof of life. The ultimate goal is holiness as God is holy.
Physical discipline of children. This is not a popular idea. Verses: Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15, 17. The Bible is not unclear about spanking children; it is just an unpopular thing to do in our culture. The warning of Colossians 2:8-9 must be taken seriously. Captives are wartime – we are not to be taken captive by human traditions and the ways of the world: hollow and deceptive. Like chocolate bunny’s for Easter. These are hollow and deceptive. There is no chocolate in it. There is a lot of wax in the chocolate.
Spanking is not fashionable. Ideas go in and out of style. God’s word calls us to discipline our children. We are usually more influenced by the philosophical fashion trends of the world than we are to the precious word of God. The world’s voices will subtly tell you how to think about these important truths. How will you guard your mind and heart and actions. The trajectory of the world is moving away from God’s Word. God’s Word is clear on this matter (see verses above). “I love my kids too much to spank them” is not a VALID statement. This is anti-biblical. The real truth is you love yourself too much to spank your child. And that is SIN. Your child is on a pathway to destruction, eternal destruction. Your role as parent is to discipline them in a way that leads them to Christ. The gospel. If you don’t discipline your child, you will have no peace. Folly, the living as there is no authority, will bring no peace in your home. Rescue comes from the Word of God. The necessity of meeting your child’s defiance by the discipline that parent’s should lovingly use to steer their children to Christ.
The How of Spanking (Hebrews 12:11)
1.Take your child to a private place.
2.Tell him specifically what he has done or failed to do. Don’t give a general end of the day spanking. There will no benefit of that.
3.Secure an acknowledgment.
4.Remind him that your objective is restoration to the circle of blessing.
5.Tell him how many swats he will receive.
6.Remove his drawers (that’s underwear for those of you raised in the south, or britches)
7.Restoration: tell him how much you love him
8.Pray with him. Impress on him the mark of Christ, the gospel.

19 May 2010

Single Ladies: Beyonce for 8 year olds

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At times like this I want to hit my imaginary “overwhelm” button that I have hidden here on my desk, somewhere under all these papers and books. 

Mothers, Dads, Youth Pastors, Pastors – are you watching this?  I don’t even want to post the video because I think the photo is revealing enough and suggestive enough for you to get the full intention of this post.  Our culture is leading our young girls, even as young as pre-school, riding on a “long black train” that leads them to the middle of nowhere. 

When I walk through the aisles of Target and Walmart or see any of the store fronts in malls across America, one thing is clear: designers of children’s clothing want to make them look like little adults.  That’s fine and dandy if you want to put your little dude in a suit for Easter, or a dress for Mother’s Day (I see many cute ones at the children’s ministry door at church); but it is not ok if you want to dress your daughter in halter tops and string bikinis and high heels.  Since when did that become norm?

Vicki Courtney, a woman with an extensive ministry to moms and daughters, said this about the above picture (you can read the rest of it here on her blog):

Sad as it is that these girls have unwillingly been placed on a fast-track by their parents, we can all learn a few sobering lessons from this travesty. When you read the comments pouring in at Popeater.com, the overwhelming consensus is that the parents are to blame. I completely concur. Yes, the media’s ongoing sexualization of our girls is a huge contributing factor, but the buck ultimately stops with Mom and Dad. They could have easily found more wholesome outlets to cultivate their daughters’ love of dance. They could have said “no” when they took their daughters to the uniform fitting and caught wind of the costumes. They could have stepped up during the dance practices and rehearsals and insisted some of the provocative moves be replaced with more age-appropriate choreography. But for whatever reasons, they chose not to. And their failure to do so is what intrigues those of us in the general public who are left scratching our collective heads at their turn-a-blind-eye parenting philosophy.

I was appalled at the defense statements made by a couple of the parents of the girls in the video in follow-up news interviews. A mother of one of the pint-sized dancers defended the costumes, saying “that judges need to be able to see the girl’s movement and technical skills.” She went on to say, “The costumes are designed for movement, unrestricted movement and to show body lines.” Excuse me? Do you mean the “body lines” of your own 8 year-old daughter? What planet is this mother living on? My daughter was in competitive cheer for over three years and I witnessed my fair share of borderline inappropriate costumes at some of the competitions, but never once did I see anything this provocative on the little girls who performed.

A father of one of the girls offered further insight into the parents’ warped group-think mentality: “On behalf of the parents, our best interest is for the kids.” He continued, “Just know that the kids are doing something that they completely love to do. They compete in dance competitions … in front of family and friends.” Well now, Pops, they have increased their audience beyond “family and friends” to include the World Wide Web. How can a dad can sit back and watch his little girl perform such suggestive dance moves in hot pants, a sequined sports bra and mock garter socks and not experience a God-given urge to go taekwondo on the dance coach? Or at the very least, rush the stage and cover his baby girl up with a jacket and usher her out of the strip club dance competition? I’m not a dad, but can someone please answer me that question?  This dad not only enjoys watching his daughter perform, he even justifies and defends the costumes and dance moves! Someone please get these parents the help they need. In an effort to boost their own fledgling self-esteem they have completely lost touch with reality. Like many parents, they have become desensitized to what is truly in the “best interest for the kids.”

Sir, what is in the “best interest of the kids” is to allow these little girls to be little girls. They will not get a redo on their fleeting season of girlhood. It is your job as a parent to protect their innocence at all costs. Parents make mistakes and I’ve made plenty of my own when it comes to raising my kids. In my book, Your Girl, I shared a personal account of my daughter’s early days in gymnastics and a season where I attempted to live through my child in an effort to boost my own self esteem. At the young age of seven, my daughter was a talented little gymnast, spending three days a week in a gym for a total of seven hours a week. And yes, gymnastics was her passion just as the father above claimed dance is his daughter’s passion. However, as the hours of practice increased, it became less of her passion and more of mine.

Parents, you most likely pay for your daughter’s clothes…what are you paying for?  Moms – your daughter are watching you to see how they should dress – what are you modeling for them?  Dads – are you teaching your daughters that what they where does matter to guys? 

Col 3.1-4

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.